It is approaching two years since I shared the inner sanctum of my site, those captured search terms folks query that refer them to excusemeimwriting.com. When I first wrote on this topic, in 2009, I found the terms “mysterious, obvious, enlightening, funny, sad, perverse, disturbing, frightening and occasionally idiotic.” I’ve since contemplated the implied context associated with each search, and it’s a toss-up as to which is more startling, the actual words or what they suggest about the people who typed them.

“Is it abuse if hes only hit me once” broke my heart, the fear and unfounded hope implicit in the words. I wanted to reach into cyberspace, wrap my arms around the person who typed that, and say, “Yes it is! Run away, now!” But all I could do was add a note with my phone number to the column that the search engine had found.

One of the more common types of searches queries the sexual orientation of the notable and notorious. Hundreds of “Is [fill in the blank] gay?” searches have brought folks to my site, wondering if various politicians (or their kids), authors, and other people of note are … what, vulnerable to a homophobic attack or an outing? I prefer to hope that these are the searches of the lovelorn, trolling for objects of romantic quest. But their frequency picked up with the GOP presidential primaries, so that hope, too, is likely unfounded.

The multitude of seemingly racist, xenophobic and ignorant searches are, thankfully, outweighed by those without apparent commentary, for example, “jaghori afghanistan,” which ranks high on my site. But then things like “what do afghans call santa” and “what do the people of afghanistan do?” pop up, and our many failures in that distant land are painfully contextualized in Western hegemonic clarity. At least they are asking. …

The clitoris is another very popular search topic that has brought seekers to my site. I suspect most of them are disappointed when they click on the link and find a piece on female genital mutilation — or “genetical mutilation,” as one query was typed. Generally, things sexual dominate all other categories, and I’ve removed the most ridiculous of them from the selection of recent search terms below, but all spelling and syntactical errors are left intact. Sometimes, they’re half the fun.

Enjoy. Or cringe.

Love,

K-B

“signing your life away ” marriages	“small barnyard animals”	“vintage” weber grill
2010 protection of marriage act petition	a boy and a girl wallpaper	abortion in toilet
absence from class because moms dies email	accidental love	acupuncture female genital
agnostics near fallbrook	alien excuse poems	amount of mexicans living in fallbrook
angry man with tv remote	ant farm escaped	anti-abortion to control women
anti-suffrage men	assange and john wayne	at home abortion kit
attacks on palin	attempted murder survivors	baby bottle fundraiser poem
barefoot women in new Zealand	battling angels	be humble
being hit once equals domestic violence	being put on a pedestal quotes	beret gendarme vintage fashion
big tight hug	bill horn corrupt	Boosiasm
bush’s bad executive orders	california ballot initiatives elite	carly fiorina hp failure
censored injustice	ceo killed by elephant	child model sexgallery
christian fear of feminism	christian women equality	circumcising vs not circumcising
clitoris boy	clitoris comparison	clitoris long
clitoral mutilation	coed breast	communist scare fallbrook 1960s
cool rubber boots	cowboy crotches	crime, violence at the santa margarita river
crummy church signs	csusm matt weaver arrested	culture as an excuse for domestic violence
custom full helmet womens mohawk	david sedaris’s mother pics	dead soldiers sign
death to sexual predators	debt solution stellar	def comedy jam trying to dispose of me
defenceless involuntary manslaughter	dexter morgan blowjob	do not resuscitate marines
double primary paranoia	doublewides with decks	dr laura rejected by her mother
dwarf in fallbrook ca died	earth fair 2012 san diego anti abortion	eat to your own condemnation
empty can	equality poems	ethnic clitoris differences
excuse me i’m looking at the water	excuse me i’m writing here…vagina spray	excuse me sex
face sags when leaning over	Fallbrook and racism and 2009	fallbrook grove pickers
fallbrook hospital sucks	fallbrook pro life canitates for nov	fallbrook sex dating
fallbrook too many Mexicans	fallbrook winery abortion	female circumcision comparison pictures
feminine hygiene aisle in store	free pool voyeur	french bistro pissoir
funniest ballot propositions	genetical mutilation	george w. bush misbehaving
god hates fags	god homosexuality	god loves
good short story for psychiatric pts	Grandma	gum tree lane cultivating marijuana fallbrook
h1n1 outbreak in fallbrook	happier than a bird with a french fry	his escuses to hit you
homophobia solutions hotlines	hospice “many moons” “james thurber”	how did meg whitman wreck ebay
how do ballot initiatives help the elite	how to ryte excuse later	how to spray paint a ceiling fan
Howrepublicansfeelaboutwelphare	i am still reaching through your ribs	I hate fallbrook
i just want a wife	i’m a 60 year old virgin	i’m a victim of roe vs wade
i’m alive in christ he’s alive in me	i’m an immigrant and lives in illinois	i’m liberal and i’m proud
I’m against sexual preditors	if obama likes bacon	illustration of courage being exemplified
im sizzling burning hot vote for me	im sorry i hit your car and im writing	im writing a military guy for the first
im writing a story help me get the word	is it legal to withhold birth control?	is jen lancaster pro choice?
italians being lynched in the south	jaghori girls	janet please marry me please before it’s
just smile and pretend everything’s okay	koala alex gauthier	krishna+saltpeter
lesbian neurologist	lets talk marriage and family	light through moving fan
lilies of the valley deck my garden walk	linda thompson+manatee fiesta	love plan b no pregnancy!
lunar landing conspiracy theory mel sang	manhattan declaration promoters	marijuana compound in fallbrook
marine corps wisdom	marriage game over sticker	marriage same sex talk with kids
matthew shepard fence	meg whitman is a freak	men don’t listen
men fed up with feminism	menopause and feeling squeamish	mexican contact with aliens
middle aged mother naked in the scower	mombassa big thighs	monsters vs aliens feminism
naked in fallbrook	nanny gets 8 years in tot’s beating	nude fallbrook chicks
oj simpson domestic violence	old-timers writing container	parsing sarah palin’s sentences
pashtuns and hazaras	penis exam tubes	people killed by freak accidents
persimon picking fallbrook	poems celebrating women	poems about how a tree turns into a napkin
possible solutions to homophobia	pray not pregnant	pretty clitoris
pubic hair toothbrush ritual satanic	reaction, god	reasons to like obama
religious acts of prejudice	religious freedom ballot measures	rhyming poem on domestic violence
ridiculous initiatives proposed in calif	rubber bands factory	saint michael protect us truck sticker
satan chained up for one thousand years	satanic meth smoking rituals	senior citizen parking sign
sex in insane asylums	sexy canadian	short skit on lack of hospital in village
short stories on physician compassion	silhouette of woman touching herself	sleeping under ceiling fan
small penis gesture	small town politics agenda	somebody love you somebody hit you
spittoon cowboy spit	stop female genital mutilation	studies of equality of men and women
suffrage Italian	suffrage of the holocaust	talking to children about same sex marriage
teens in insane asylums	teens party in houses vacancy in fallbrook	televangelist feminism encourages women
terms of venery	the controversy about the book baby be-bop	the mind has no sex female anatomy
the truth about fiorini and abortion-home	to secure and to serve	Tom Robbins hiatus
tsa boob grope	types of shit	ucsc slug slippers baby
ugliest library	ultrasound jokes	uncle milton ant farm ants died?
unite against war on women	unwanted hug	us marine corps circumcised
vagina monologues cupcake pictures	vagina sprays work?	was roald dahl circumcised
weird vagina tattoos	what do afghans call santa	what do ants eat in an ant farm
what do the people of afghanistan do?	what does it mean to be a feminist	what does sue monk kidd say about abortion
what does women’s equality day mean today	what does wouldn’t be prudent mean	what is the fear of feminism
what is the initiative industrial complex	what it means to be a feminist today	what items are in a day of the dead altar
what to do when somebody hits you	what to talk about in gay marriage paper	when did poetry stop rhyming
which is right im or i’m in writing	who is a sesquipedalianist	who lives in fairbanks ranch
why are men anti abortion	why bob hope responds to lady avocado	why can’t men look me in the eye?
why is there a hole in the clitorous	why sexism persist	why women fear feminism
will doctors prescribe narcotics for a baby	will edd accept death in family as excuse	woman with mustache
women’s day editorial summer’s eve ad	word for the love of pain	world war ii bomber crew reunion stories
writing about me	writing about small town culture	wwii sweatheart quilt marriage